My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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