did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
