Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
