So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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