There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
