i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The uberlube is also flammable
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
