I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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