Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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