I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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