Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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