I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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