smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize