It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
