if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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