I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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