My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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