apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize