you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
