I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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