if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
