Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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