I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
