I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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