I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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