when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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