I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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