So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
