i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
