After last night, I could never be a politician.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
