so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
