But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
