listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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