I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm passing your future prison.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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