Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just invented taco cereal.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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