i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
