My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
