Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
