Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
