I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
