It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
