Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
