so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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