if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
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