So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
