An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
