Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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