3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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