Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
