i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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