Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
