Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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