My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
