I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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