Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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