i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
