I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
