there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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