my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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