I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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