he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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