Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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