he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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