i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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