dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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