She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
