Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
