It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
50% drunk capacity currently
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
