Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
