Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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