I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
