Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
honey bunches of taint.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
