you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
True strength comes from lack of pants
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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