Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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