Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
