remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
