Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
