Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
