it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
COCAINE IS GR8
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize