I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
