The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
